First Annual Funtathalon Recap

The Wisconsin State Journal ran a full-page recap of the First Annual Funtathalon. Missed it? Not to worry. The Drafter blog has exclusive rights to the story.

The day started well before the canoes and kayaks hit the water. Master blowers, Nurse Sully and Counselor Queen Bee were clearing the path for the skaters. “That’s not my match.com name”, noted Counselor Queen Bee. Billy Boy was also armed and dangerous with a leaf blower, clearing the bike course and rechecking route arrows. The Legend and family tested the waters of Lake Mendota, getting in some barefootin’ sets before sunup.

The medical tent was buzzing with pre-race activity, and negotiations with race officials for medical conditions started the night before the Funtathalon. Footer, of team LRST 2.0 (Lake Ripley Ski Team), served double duty as the official race Physical Therapist for the geriatric division. Speedy and Ninja treated knee maladies with frozen peas and Kinesio Tape, respectively. Octane had his calf dressed with the latter.

Race officials approved two last minute additions. Special K of Team Divockuf failed to properly taper for the event, squeezing in a 100-mile run the week before instead of peaking for the Funtathalon. There was nothing our team of medical professionals could do for her. FishNBoots stepped up, well tapered. Over the past 4 weeks, he accumulated 7 miles of bike training. After signing his medical waiver, FishNBoots remembered that his primary care physician ordered an EKG at his last physical, which he forgot to schedule.

Team 10/10 was a team of one until last week, when fellow ISU Cyclone agreed to join Keez as part of their Tinder agreement.

As 10 teams entered Lake Mendota, they were welcomed by the Aquatic Course Marshals. The MasterCraft, manned by Dub and friends, was anchored 1.5 miles south of the boat launch towards Spring Harbor, serving as the turn-around point.

A standby emergency boat, driven by The Legend and accompanied by Harrison, Spencer, Phoenix and 2 dogs, was thankfully not called upon to rescue anyone.

Rescue Boat did not have to make any rescues

The only tip over occurred before the race began. Team Space Cartographers scrambled to change water craft after Kermit rolled his kayak, losing the team baton before the race began. Divers were unable to recover the baton, but course officials allowed the Space Cartographers to proceed once a replacement baton was secured. Despite the late start, Kermit optimistically approached the start, “I’m in my natural habitat.”

Kermit still on land, finding his way to the water, 9 paddlers lined up for the 3-mile paddle. Z Wrecks gave the official “Paddlers, take your mark, GO!”

10 minus 1 canoes and kayaks at the start

Bomber set a blistering pace, finishing in just over 30 minutes. The lake temperature increased 2 degrees as his blades burned through the algae-rich waters of Mendota. Octane was the next paddler to reach the shore.

That’s a tight fit. Bomber first to finish the paddle.

Skipper, a natural paddler, struggled to perform in his kayak. “A cow tank would have been faster.”

Pipes enjoyed her time on the lake, soaking up the morning sun and entering the transition area in tenth place. Some spectators had anticipated a first place showing by the two-time Olympic rower. That’s like expecting Katie Ledecky to win the diving competition just because both events involve water, or Lindsey Vonn to win the Birkebeiner because both events are on snow. In an exclusive interview with the Divockuf team-member, she reminded us that, “Slow lives matter.”

The first bonus round of corn hole proved challenging due to forearm fatigue following the paddle. None of the 10 teams earned bonus points, and only Pipes pulled the Team Divockuf with a scratch score. The Cyclone struggled the most with 4 additional minutes tagged onto Team 10/10’s time.

Forearm fatigue = +3 minutes for Dark n Derby

Things really heated up during the 7-mile run through the Conservancy. Runners maintained proper hydration and orientation thanks to the volunteers. The soccer bonus station had no penalties, although Belle from Team Brandany Alliance, focused on her run, failed to stop at the bonus station. Funtathletes who scored the most goals, thereby subtracting minutes off their final time, strategized by passing the ball rather than attempting a free kick. This tactic will be reviewed in 2021 Funtathalon Official Rules and Regulations.

Team Dark n Derby had the fastest run split and was first to the transition, executing an unorthodox but smooth baton hand off.

Waiting for the runners in the transition area, skaters experienced some technical difficulties. Ninja, a former competitive inline skater, failed to check her 20 plus year-old custom Bonts. The first thing to break was her skate lace. More significant equipment failures were on the horizon.

Ninja with taped knee and a broken lace. Signs of things to come.

Loose Screw, after generously providing several Funtathletes with water crafts and loading them back onto his trailer, was left at the boat launch transition area without truck keys. Billy Boy, honorably executing his bike course sweeping duties, inadvertently left the launch with his leaf blower and Loose Screw’s keys. This delayed Loose Screw’s arrival at the Park and Ride transition area, and his subsequent departure on the skate leg.

Dan-yelly finished the run, but Loose Screw has yet to get his roller skis on.

The skate leg of the Funtathalon clearly illustrated the top end speed differential of inline skates versus roller skis. The ruling on drag coefficient of clothing was also questioned and will need to be reviewed by Race Officials. Some Funtathletes opted to change out of their event t-shirts into a more aerodynamic wardrobe, while others took the parachute approach.

Bomber vs Dark Knight. Aero vs Parachute.

Surprisingly, perhaps, the skate event had many elite competitors. Speedy’s college hockey career as player and coach was obvious as she exited the transition area hitting 0-60 in 5 seconds. The crowd gasped at her gracefulness. And her abrupt 60 to 0 stop when the American member of Team CanAm called out, “You forgot the baton. Sheesh. I gave the kids one job…”

Those Funtathletes who opted for roller skis had a slower road. Loose Screw got off to a slow start to begin with (see key fiasco above). FishNBoots, with only 12 hours of notice, didn’t have time to repair his roller skis, which had lost their ability to track in a straight line.

FishNBoots rethinking his equipment choice

Thing 1 had never been on roller skis. “How hard can they be?” Turns out, pretty hard. Thing 1 started the “Crash Support Group”. Membership will be capped at 3, and is already full. Keez made it to the intersection with County Hwy K before crashing, which is a few hundred yards further than Thing 1 made it.

BrickO was excited to help out young Keez, stepping in for the skate, horse shoes and whiskey leg. She was only an asset with the latter.

The whiskey station, supervised by Nurse Sully and Counselor Queen Bee, was the hub for negotiations.

Billy Boy served as a surrogate for those without adequate liver training and alcohol dehydrogenase activity. He provided support for three Funtathletes, including a clever negotiation by the Dark Knight who did his own shot and then bartered with Sully and Queen Bee for an extra minute off for Bill to imbibe. Pipes, epitomizing the Funtathlete spirit, drove to the Missouri Tavern to offer support to her teammate, FishNBoots. Team Divockuf negotiated 2 shots each, for a total of 4 minutes off of their time. Footer hung out a little longer to share a shot with BrickO, and provide draft protection back home.

One skater took off her skates and hung them up after the whiskey shot. Ninja salvaged the broken shoe lace, but could not salvage the race when her boot and skate bed detached. There aren’t enough shots to make up that loss.

Anybody got an allen wrench and some duct tape?

Hores shoes on rollerskates or skis after a whiskey should not be attempted without supervision.

The transition from skating to cycling was thankfully uneventful. FishNBoots was the last skater into transition. Footer of Team LRST 2.0, left before her brother-in-law arrived. “I’ve spent most of my life waiting for him.” She had to wait a little longer, as Footer required some assistance driving LRST 2.0 teammate’s Audi to the finish. “How do you start this thing?” Despite the heroic efforts at the whiskey bonus station, Team Divockuf did not make the time cut off, and had to forego the cycling event.

Cycling seemed to be the safest of the 4 events. The Legend and sons were on the route with water and to verify no short cuts were taken. Belle blew by the station at top speed, missing the check in point. A little blood was spilled during the maneuver back to the check point. No law suits were filed. Luckily, the Crash Support Group formed in the previous event had one memberhip spot available.

Vetting by the Race Officials of the last-minute entry for Team 10/10 (aka Team Tinder) did not discover his Category 1 status. The Cyclone made up for lost time: the 4 min bags penalty and the skate crash by teammate Keez fueled him to finish with the fastest bike split. By a lot. Bomber requested to be friends on Strava.

Truly a Cyclone ride with fastest bike split.

Skipper had negotiated bonus points with a Peter Sagan wheelie finish, but paddling a cow tank left his tank empty.

Duchess of Team Lantern Rouge lived up to his name. “I lost by less than a minute to a guy who drove to the finish line?”

The energy to shoot baskets was a limiting factor for all Funtathletes. Bomber was quick to point out a confounding variable, “Nobody could train for this event. The gyms are closed.” With more practice, the basketball bonus round may have proved more fruitful. Duracell of Team CanAm brought the most game to the basketball bonus round. Kermit brought the most style.